Family Holiday Tips

“Families are like fudge, mostly sweet, with lots of nuts.”

–Anonymous

This is a rewrite of an email that I sent last year during the holidays.  I think the points listed below are still relevant.  I used them successfully (okay, most of the time) at Thanksgiving this year!

I know the holidays can be stressful for everyone. When you put different people together from different backgrounds, with different expectations–well…it’s hard to know how to handle it.

My younger brother, Dave, has a quote that I love, “Our family puts the fun in dysfunctional.”  AND that’s true!  Here’s how I put the fun in dysfunctional for the holidays.

1. I don’t take personal any sarcastic or button-pushing statement. It’s the other family member’s deal. It’s  their past that they haven’t worked through that is speaking.  Yeah, it can really be kind of painful at times, but 99% of the time this strategy works. On this note, I don’t push any buttons, either. Well, my intent is not to push buttons, but sometimes people’s buttons change and they don’t tell me…until those button pushing words are out of my mouth. Then I have to apologize and I do that quickly.

2.  We know each family member really well, or so we think we do.  I used to think I knew what they were thinking,(see #1 above) but I am not the same person that I was last year. What makes me think that they are? So I ask lots of open ended questions. I get really curious. I don’t assume anymore (I used to) that I understand everything or everyone, so I ask for clarification, elaboration or whatever I need to grasp the conversation clearly. This has been a game changer in all of my relationships. There are some family members that ask if I’m writing a book when I get curious. The answer to that this year is “yes” because I am.  After I reassured them that the book wasn’t about our family, they were okay with my curiosity.

3. Watch  body language. What we say only accounts for 7% of what is believed by others. The way we say it accounts for 38%. What they see accounts for 56%. Ninety percent of the impression we often convey had nothing to do with what we actually say.

4. Focus on common ground. Maybe we think there isn’t any, but we’re family for Pete’s sake. We need to close down our cell phones, doodling, fidgeting, whatever else is distracting and concentrate totally on what the other person is saying. Move out of our little world and into theirs. Listen for their feelings, as well. Listen to the words behind the words. THAT can only be done when you are focused on the other person. We may be surprised at what we do have in common.

Just like last year, each person had one responsibility in cooking the Thanksgiving Dinner. We grocery shopped together. We hiked together. We played games.

Politically, socially and spiritually, my family is as different as the day is long. But like my son always says after a heated political discussion, “I love you anyway, and nothing can change that.” That is truth.

Blessings on your holiday season,

Jan